Thursday, August 6, 2009

Visit From A Time Traveler

TIME TRAVELER: Hello Matsby.
ME: Hi. Uh… do I know you?
TT: Yes, we’ve met… but in another time.
ME: Another time?
TT: Yes. See, I’m a time traveler. And I have come to deliver an important message.
ME (excited): Oh… awesome! Are you really from the future?
TT: No, not from the future. I have traveled from the past. From the year 2003.
ME: (confused) So you have come from the past to give me a message?
TT: That’s right.
ME: So why didn’t you just tell me back in 2003?
TT: We needed to be sure it would be safe.
ME: So it wasn’t safe to tell me then, but it’s safe to tell me now in 2008?
TT: Correct.
ME: Why didn’t you write it down and put it in an envelope? Then you could have just handed it to me and told me not to open it until today.
TT: (getting irritated) Look, that’s not these things work okay? I mean if you want to argue about it…
ME: No, I don’t. I… I’m sorry, go ahead. Tell me. Give me the wisdom of the past.
TT: Are you making fun of me now?
ME: No. I mean it. I want to hear it.
TT: Well… in the year 2001, there was a terrorist attack…
ME: On the World Trade Center?
TT: Yeah… how did you know?
ME: I was there.
TT: You were at the world Trade Center?
ME: No. I mean, I was alive in 2001. I saw it on TV.
TT: Oh… Well, I need to warn you that Global Warming is a real issue...
ME: Yeah, I know.
TT: (getting flustered) Oh... um… Well, you need to be careful… uh… because the economy is in decline. In the year 2003, we are paying over two dollars a gallon for gas!!
ME: Yeah. I remember what that was like. But it’s even worse now.
TT: Wh… What are you doing, dude?
ME: What do you mean?
TT: Look, I have traveled across time to bring you this important information and you are acting like you don’t even want to hear it.
ME: No, I do want to hear it. It’s just… I already know these things. You are from the past… so I already know this stuff.
TT: Oh, so you know everything because you’re from the future? You’re just the all-knowing future-guy now huh?
ME: No, that’s not what I’m saying. It’s just…
TT: Alright. Look… We are not really supposed to tell you personal stuff because of all the paradoxes and stuff. But in the past, you had a child and his name was Legend.
ME: Yeah, I know. I was there. He's my son.
TT: (desperate) I can tell you who won games… I can tell you who won the Super Bowl in the year 2002!
ME: Yeah, or I could just look it up on-line.
TT: I can… oh… hey I know… I have one! This is one you won’t get… In the past, there is a tragic accident that results in the death of a famous R&B singer. Her name was…
ME: Aaliyah?
TT: Ha! No!!! Nope, her name was Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez. You see? You see? I do have important information for you.
ME: Wait a minute. If I had said “Left Eye”, you were going to say Aaliyah weren’t you?
TT: (no answer)
ME: Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t I tell you about something from the future? Listen… There is a great leader who will rise from the African American community to…
TT: I already know about 50 Cent!
ME: No, not 50 Cent. I mean, right now the president of the United States is…
TT: No! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me!
ME: What? You're worried about spoilers?
TT: No, you don’t know what kind of paradox you might create if you tell someone in the past about…
ME: So you’re going back?
TT: No. Of course not. You can’t go back. You can only travel forward through time. Never back!
ME: Well, then you had better not read the paper or turn on the TV if you are afraid of learning something about this time.
TT (he is getting irritated): Of course I won’t! What are you crazy? Anyway, this… This is bullshit… I came to you with information all the way across the space-time continuum and you’re just being a total dick about it. Do you even know how hard it is to open a wormhole and leap across the very fabric of time?
ME: No, I…
TT (very angry now): Seriously, I’m out of here dude! You missed your chance… Look, I am going to go ahead another couple of years and hopefully when I find you again you are more open-minded and hopefully you are ready to learn from us.
ME: Alright. Alright. Uh… I do have one question. You said I had met you back in your time?
TT: Yes… Yes, I’m Chris… Remember?
ME: Oh yeah. Chris! That’s right. I didn't know you were a time traveler. 
TT: Yeah, well I couldn't tell you... paradoxes, you know. 
ME: Look, I’m sorry about all of this, Chris… I mean...
TT (calming down): No. It’s okay… Like I said, hopefully when I travel to your future, you will be ready to hear the message and the warnings we have to offer you.
ME (confused): Okay… Yeah. I guess. I… I guess I’ll see you in the future then.
TT: Oh, hey. Is there any message you want me to give the future you. Any kind of warning or anything he should know?
ME (still confused): No… Nope, that’s cool. I’ll uh… I mean… it doesn’t matter because I’ll already know it…
TT (rolls his eyes and shakes his head disapprovingly) Goodbye Matsby.


Robert Vollman said...

Tell him where everything you own is. That way if something is lost between now and then, you'll know where to go look for it.

Chris said...

I have been a silent follower of all your blogs for several months now Matsby. You seriously make me laugh out loud every time I read one of your posts in my quiet office building. Why the hell aren't you writing movie scripts or doing a comedy tour? I would pay for this. You're gifted my friend.

Matsby said...

Thanks, Chris. And thanks for following me. Why am I not doing something more with my life? Because I don't know how to and/or am lazy. I dunno. But thanks.